Am I Ready for Pregnancy After Loss? Questions to Consider
After losing each of my first three pregnancies, all I could think about was getting pregnant again. I knew I wasn’t “supposed” to feel that way, and sometimes I felt guilty that my mind was consumed with looking toward the next pregnancy instead of taking time and space to grieve. If I were my own client, I thought, I would be advising slowness, gentleness, breathing room. It took me some time to recognize that I could also be gentle with the part of myself that felt impatient. Of course I wanted to be pregnant again. Of course I had the fantasy that a successful pregnancy would fill the emptiness I felt inside.
Having lost a few pregnancies in a row, I can look back and say that at least two of my pregnancies happened before I was emotionally ready to be pregnant again. This made my subsequent losses even more difficult to cope with. If I could go back in time and be a good therapist to myself, I would ask the following questions:
Have I had a chance to process my loss experience, perhaps aloud to a trusted friend or a therapist, and/or via art or writing?
Am I physically and mentally sturdy enough to go through a period of prolonged discomfort, emotional and physical? Am I physically and mentally prepared to endure another loss?
To what extent am I responding to feeling pressured (by the biological clock, by my work schedule, by partners or parents, by a wish to keep up with others, etc.)?
To what extent am I responding to a wish to “fix” my grief and/or the grief of others by being pregnant again?
How solid is my relationship with my parenting partner, if I have one? Do we understand each other and are we able to talk openly and express emotion freely? Have we thought through what a new pregnancy would be like and what kind of support each of us will need?
Who is on my support team? Who do I want to loop in, and when? Do I want to talk through my decision to become pregnant again with any of them?
How do I feel about the medical and emotional support I received during my loss? Is it important to me to keep the same provider(s)? Is it important to me to have a different provider(s)?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but spending some time with them and noticing your physical and emotional reactions as you ponder will help point you in the right direction. If you need some steadying support as you think about these questions and others, think about reaching out to a perinatal mental health provider like me.
